Families Change Guide sur la séparation et le divorce

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FAQ

Here are some common questions teens ask when their parents are splitting up:

  1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?
  2. I'm feeling guilty about my parents separating. Was there something I did to cause it?
  3. Can I do anything to get my parents back together?
  4. I have so many questions about why this has happened and what is going to happen in the future. How much can I ask my parents?
  5. Will I be able to spend time with both parents?
  6. I'm feeling really upset and confused about my parents separating. Is this normal?
  7. Do I have to take sides, or choose one parent over the other?
  8. If my parents divorce, will the same thing happen to me?
  9. My parents never married. Do they have to go through the same process that married parents do when they split up?
  10. Who decides who I will live with? Do I get a say?
  11. What will my friends say when they find out about my parents separating?
  12. I really feel like I need some help in dealing with this. Who should I ask?
  1. What is the difference between separation and divorce?

    When two people have been living together and they decide not to live together anymore, they are separated.

    However, when married people separate, their marriage has not yet ended. They have to get a divorce to legally end a marriage.

    Common-law couples don't have to get a divorce, because there is no marriage to end.

  2. I'm feeling guilty about my parents separating. Was there something I did to cause it?

    It's very common for teens to believe that they have somehow caused their parents to separate. But you are not the reason for your parents separating. Parents separate because of problems in their relationship.

    It's not your fault!

  3. Can I do anything to get my parents back together?

    Most parents separate only after trying very hard to save their relationship. Their decision to separate or divorce is usually final.

    Some teens hope and believe that if they try to be on their very best behaviour, their parents will get back together. However, this plan isn't likely to work, since their parents' decision to separate had nothing to do with them.

    The best thing that you can do is to begin to accept the situation so that you can get on with your life.

  4. I have so many questions about why this has happened and what is going to happen in the future. How much can I ask my parents?

    If there are things you need to know, ask.

    You have a right to ask questions about what is going to happen and why. Although you need to respect your parents' right to privacy, they have a responsibility to answer your questions as best they can about things that directly affect you.

  5. Will I be able to spend time with both parents?

    In the vast majority of cases, children get to spend time with both parents. How much time you spend with each parent, and exactly how that will work, depends on your parenting arrangements.

    Remember: Parents divorce each other, not their children. Your parents are still your parents, and they still love you.

  6. I'm feeling really upset and confused about my parents separating. Is this normal?

    Your parents' separation might be the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with. So it's natural — and entirely normal — to experience some intense emotions.

    You will feel better over time. There are lots of ways to help yourself feel better, and people who can help you if you need it.

  7. Do I have to take sides, or choose one parent over the other?

    No, you don't. You have the right to love and be loved by both parents.

    If you are feeling pressured to take sides, and you feel you are caught in the middle of your parents' problems, tell them. They might be so caught up in their own problems that they don't even know they are doing it, and once they do, they might stop.

  8. If my parents divorce, will the same thing happen to me?

    Many teens whose parents separate feel anxious about their own relationships in the future. But just because your parents separate doesn't mean the same thing will happen to you. You can learn from their mistakes. What happens in your relationships will be up to you, not your parents!

  9. My parents never married. Do they have to go through the same process that married parents do when they separate?

    Common-law parents — parents who chose to live together without getting married — don't have to get a divorce, because there is no marriage to end. But they do need to decide what will happen to their children and how they will divide their property.

  10. Who decides who I will live with? Do I get a say?

    Ideally, your parents will make the decisions together about who you will live with and how that will work.

    If they can't decide themselves, they might go to a mediator or a conciliator for help in reaching an agreement. Or they might have to go to court and have a judge make the decisions for them.

    Whether your parents make the decisions about parenting themselves, or with the help of a mediator, conciliator, or a judge, your opinion may be taken into account.

  11. What will my friends say when they find out about my parents separating?

    Lots of teens worry about breaking the news to their friends. Some feel embarrassed about what is happening.

    Separation and divorce are very common these days. In Canada, between a quarter and a third of marriages end in divorce. That means that many people have been through it themselves, and most probably know someone who has.

    Good friends will be glad you've told them. They'll know that you're still you, even though your family is changing.

  12. I really feel like I need some help in dealing with this. Who should I ask?

    There are lots of people around you who can help. Tell your parents, teacher, school counsellor, family doctor or another adult you trust. If they can't help you themselves, they should be able to help you find someone who can.

    If you aren't getting the help you think you need, keep asking until you get it.

Q:
Est-ce que je vais passer du temps avec mes deux parents?
R:

Dans la vaste majorité des cas, les enfants peuvent passer du temps avec leurs deux parents. Le temps que tu passeras avec chacun de tes parents et comment cela fonctionnera exactement dépendra des arrangements concernant la garde et le droit de visite.

Q:
Je me sens coupable. Est-ce que cette situation est ma faute?
R:

Tu n’es pas la cause de cette séparation. Les parents se séparent en raison de problèmes dans leur relation. Ce n’est pas ta faute !

Q:
Mes parents se sont séparés. Pourquoi?
R:

Il existe plusieurs raisons pour lesquelles les parents décident de se séparer. Chez chacun de ces couples, il peut y avoir une raison majeure ou toute une série de raisons.

Généralement, les parents font tous leurs efforts pour résoudre leurs problèmes avant de prendre une telle décision. Si tu n’es pas certain des raisons pour lesquelles tes parents se sont séparés, tu peux toujours leur demander.

Q:
Je me sens vraiment bouleversé et confus face à la séparation de mes parents. Est-ce normal?
R:

Il est donc naturel — et tout à fait normal — d’éprouver des émotions intenses. Vous vous sentirez bientôt mieux. Il existe plusieurs façons de vous aider à vous sentir mieux et il y a des gens qui peuvent vous aider si vous en ressentez le besoin.

Q:
Puis-je faire quelque chose pour que mes parents reviennent ensemble?
R:

La plupart des parents se séparent après avoir fait de gros efforts pour sauver leur relation. Certains adolescents espèrent et croient qu’en s’efforçant d’avoir une conduite irréprochable, leurs parents reviendront ensemble.

Cependant, ce plan risque de ne pas fonctionner, car la décision de leurs parents de se séparer n’a rien à voir avec eux. Leur décision de se séparer ou de divorcer est définitive.

Q:
Si mes parents divorcent, est-ce que la même chose m’arrivera?
R:

De nombreux adolescents dont les parents sont séparés s’inquiètent pour leurs propres relations futures. Mais ce n’est pas parce que tes parents se séparent qu’il t’arrivera la même chose. Ce sera à toi de décider comment évolueront tes relations, pas à tes parents!

Q:
Dois-je prendre position ou choisir un parent plutôt que l’autre?
R:

Non. Tu as le droit d’aimer et d’être aimé de tes deux parents.

Si tu te sens forcé de prendre position ou si tu te sens pris au milieu des problèmes de tes parents, dis-le-leur.

Q:
J’ai beaucoup de questions. Comment puis-je en parler à mes parents?
R:

Si tu as besoin de savoir certaines choses, pose des questions. Tu a le droit de poser des questions sur ce qui arrive et pourquoi ça arrive.

Q:
Qu’est-ce que mes amis diront quand ils vont apprendre la nouvelle?
R:

Plusieurs adolescents sont inquiets d’annoncer la nouvelle à leurs amis. Mais la séparation et le divorce sont vraiment chose commune aujourd’hui.

Les bons amis seront heureux que tu leur en parles. Tu es toujours toi-même, même si ta famille change.

Q:
Mes parents ne sont pas mariés. Est-ce qu’ils vont traverser les mêmes de séparation que les parents mariés ?
R:

Les parents conjoints de fait (qui choisissent de vivre ensemble sans être mariés) n’ont pas à demander le divorce parce qu’il n’y a pas de mariage. Cependant, ils ont besoin de décider ce qu’il se passera pour leurs enfants et comment ils vont diviser leurs biens.

Q:
Quelle est la différence entre la séparation et le divorce?
R:

Lorsque deux personnes qui vivent ensemble décident de ne plus vivre ensemble, elles se séparent.

Cependant, lorsque des parents mariés se séparent, leur mariage n’est pas terminé pour autant. Ils doivent demander le divorce pour mettre fin légalement à leur mariage. Les couples qui sont conjoints de fait n’ont pas à demander le divorce parce qu’il n’y a pas de mariage auquel mettre fin.

Q:
Qui décide avec qui je vais vivre ? Est-ce que j’ai mon mot à dire?
R:

Idéalement, tes parents prendront les décisions ensemble concernant avec qui tu vivras et comment cela fonctionnera. Ils devraient tenir compte de ton opinion.

S’ils ne peuvent décider par eux-mêmes, ils devront peut-être faire appel à un médiateur afin de les aider à s’entendre. Sinon, ils devront se rendre au tribunal et laisser un juge décider pour eux.

Q:
Je sens que j’aurai besoin d’aide. Qui pourrais-je consulter?
R:

Il y a plusieurs personnes autour de toi qui peuvent t’aider. Parles-en à tes parents, à un professeur, au psychologue de ton école ou à un autre adulte en qui tu as confiance.

Si tu n’as pas obtenu l’aide que tu crois avoir besoin, continues à demander jusqu’à ce que tu l’obtiennes.